into the depths of my insanity

Or not. i think that someone said this, or i read it or possibly hallucinated it but it makes sense. When the chemo is over, some people get really tired. i just noticed since coming back fromNew York, if i was not working, I was sleeping. And let me just say it is a good thing I work on a psych unit because maybe some rubbed off on me and made me less crazy than i could have been.

Working and sleeping, sleeping for the last day anyway, sort of made me focus on myself, my body, the changes to it since the chemo, how it sort of sucks, etc. Kind of the opposite of how i started out with cancer, in total denial. i have to say I prefer denial. I know there is probably some middle ground I will eventually reach. Because the recent realizations, that cancer really sucks, that I hate being bald and having one good boob and that these transient episodes of pain and numbness are not fun, are really annoying. I find myself totally self-involved, not returning phone calls and yes back to the toxic habit of watching Lifetime TV.

You know it is bad if you think of something and have to think if it happened in real life or on a rerun of Greys Anatomy. That is another thing, Everything on TV is about cancer, and all the commercials are about on line dating services. And they make me depressed because how could I go on an on line dating service with cancer? One- boobed bald chick seeks brilliant rich good looking perfect person? Not that on line dating did much for me pre-cancer. I admit, i was convinced a few times by more successful friends to try some out but i always tanked before actually meeting any of the would-be serial killers. But now since cancer would effect my actually going on one of these sites, I am mad about it.

So maybe now to get out of my self-induced craziness, I will start an on line dating service for people with cancer. needless to say, they will need to pay up front. i could coordinate the different illnesses, life expectancies, etc. There will probably be cancer groupies who will try to get on just to date people with cancer. I suppose that should be an option. In fact, perhaps i will specialize in rich cancer groupies. OK, good idea. Or maybe i will just call my cancer shrink and get on better meds.