Poignant

Ok yeah I know its 4 am. I am babysitting cats. They keep you awake. And I had to share this serious side of me, as it is so unusual. I did- and will continue to do- this blog because humor is my way of dealing with things. Probably more so than most people. Also I thought- and still think- that poking fun of cancer might make other people dealimg with it laugh, or look at it differently. Not that I wrote this blog for other people- well, maybe a little, I would love to know that my sick humor helped one cancer patient a tiny bit- but it's for me, too. Writing, however badly, helped me cope way back in the old days when I had cancer, remember?

But cancer is not always or even usually funny. A good friend lost a friend to lung cancer recently. Not much older than me. I think it was lung cancer, anyway it was a sucky cancer and he died and I am sorry that my friend lost his friend. It sucks. And a good friend from work - really the nicest guy, and I am not saying this just because he had cancer because not just nice people get cancer- hey look at me-anyway he got bladder cancer and although he has a great attitude and is youngish and healthy, he really has to go through a lot more serious painful treatment than me. And of course there will always be Emily who I love like a daughter and who fought longer and harder than me, often having to put up with really annoying relatives- and cancer beat her before she turned 19.

Cancer sucks. My refusing to take it seriously does not change that. The disease sucks, the treatment sucks, the medications suck. Nobody knows what causes most of it- and even the easy ones, like smoking causes lung cancer- how many people chain smoke their lives away and die at age 104? I kind of think it's crap that "god works in mysterious ways" as an explanation why a mother barely clinging to sanity, loses her only child to leukemia. Or, God never gives us more than we can handle? Excuse me, God? I didn't handle this that well. Tons of wine were necessary. Oh and here is the best one, Everything happens for a reason. Well I can still convince myself that my cancer happenend so I could finally get big boobs- BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THE REASON THE SWEETEST AND COOLEST 18 YEAR OLD GETS TAKEN FROM EVERYONE WHO LOVES HER?????????????? And kids die of cancer all the time.

So listen, God, smarten the fuck up. Yes, after losing people I love to cancer, I still believe in god- I just think he can be an asshole at times. Bad people should die. Good people should not. And since I am negotiating the deal, I should stay alive too, good or bad.

So what have we learned from this lesson? Absolutely nothing. Cancer follows no rules, doesn't think, oh this one has a great life ahead of her, I'll let her live. Cancer sucks a lot. Even more than the Yankees. So if you have a chance to fight it, do it. Do one of those dumb walks I make fun of. Get yourself into the national bone marrow registry ( could have saved Emily) volunteer for the cancer society or a hospice.

Breast cancer is supported enough. Pink fucking ribbons everywhere. But you know what needs support? Childhood cancer. If I had died (which there was never much of a chance of it anyway) I had lived a good life. Raised the two best kids ever, have wonderful friends and a pretty good family. Except Ryan. And a job I love. But Emily died without getting to go to college, fall in love, go to Egypt or Jamaica or even that fuckin weezer concert which is why I have a thing for weezer even though they have clearly sold out. Well, at least we'll always have Paris, Emily. I love you.