October!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what happens when you get to be my age. Me, at work, to 25-ish social worker: "Tell the doctor that if she wants any of these patients to be discharged, maybe she should start writing some fucking prescriptions." Social worker smiles, thinking how cute it is that this middle aged woman says fuck all the time. I really thought it would be a few more years before I would start shocking people but apparently not. So I think at age 70, I will become a "ho."

Soon I will write something profound but right now I think there is an episode of Bones on that I have not seen.

This is not about blow jobs

So they passed a law in Massachusetts that you can't text while driving. nLike, duh. Next they will probably pass a law saying no salsa dancing while driving. No practicing cartwheels while driving. No wearing blindfolds while driving. No knitting while driving. Aren't there a bunch of things you just know better than to do while driving?
Must everything be a law?

I am not the smartest, most law abiding person I know, But I don't text while driving. Not because its a law, just because it is too hard to do. Just wondering, does anyone actually know if there is an actual LAW that says no blow jobs to people driving? Just wondering, but I think it is safer than texting. So here is a good way to quit the texting while driving habit- just give a blow job instead. Also, this will encourage carpooling as well.

OK, cancer has gone and insanity has come in its place.

But what bothers me about the law is that there is another part that makes it illegal for teenagers to talk on their cell phones while driving. Really? Teenagers can't but I can????????? Lets face it, teenagers are the only people who can text/talk on cell phones automatically. They are the only ones who should be allowed to do it and drive. It most certainly should not be legal for me to talk on the phone and drive. I would crash. I almost crash every time I have to read the sign that flashes around saying it is illegal to text and drive. OK I get it. Not good to be distracted while driving. So maybe get rid of all the fucking distracting signs about how it is going to be illegal to be distracted while driving.

Wow, I sound like a cranky old lady. I must immediately go pick up two 25 year old guys and bring them back to Denise's house for a threesome so I will have something more interesting to write on my next blog.

OK I feel much better now that I have a goal.

new cancer free me

I have reinvented myself as someone who exercises on a treadmill and likes cats. Thanks a lot, Denise.

House sitting

Here is some good advice if you are ever a house-sitter. Either house-sit for people stupider than you, or bring your own books. If borders wasn
t down the street, I would be reading myself to sleep with Prosser on Torts. Actually, Denise and David have a book called "George Bush's Brain," AND IT IS NOT A COMEDY!!!!!!

Even better advice- of course I am the only one who would do it and it is a little funny. So here I am house-sitting a nice house where they have all sorts of dinner parties because they have the right kind of kitchen appliances. I convince myself (they also have a lot of wine here, too) that it was only for lack of appliances that I can't cook, so decide to have people over for a dinner party on Saturday to celebrate my cancer-free-ness. The plan was to look through the cook books, find something fancy, cook it and fees people. Worst case, it sucks, we have a million restaurants up the street. So I invite a million people (well maybe 10 and that's pushing it.) Also I invite people over after work on Friday for wine. There are cats here and I am a little allergic to them, so I take a few benadryl, which I forget makes me awake instead of asleep. I do not sleep til 8 am Saturday because my friend's daughter comes over and is on that sleep all day work all night schedule. So then I sleep through the entire time of the would-be dinner party. Most people call, get no answer and do not come. But my familiy members- Peggy my sister, Mark my black son and meghan and Chris actually come!! Sorry guys. Can't even use the cancer card. How about the insanity card. Whatever happened, though, I suspect it was better than having to eat my cooking. Until I re-invent myself as someone who can cook.

So please do not buy me cooking appliances for Christmas.

Poignant

Ok yeah I know its 4 am. I am babysitting cats. They keep you awake. And I had to share this serious side of me, as it is so unusual. I did- and will continue to do- this blog because humor is my way of dealing with things. Probably more so than most people. Also I thought- and still think- that poking fun of cancer might make other people dealimg with it laugh, or look at it differently. Not that I wrote this blog for other people- well, maybe a little, I would love to know that my sick humor helped one cancer patient a tiny bit- but it's for me, too. Writing, however badly, helped me cope way back in the old days when I had cancer, remember?

But cancer is not always or even usually funny. A good friend lost a friend to lung cancer recently. Not much older than me. I think it was lung cancer, anyway it was a sucky cancer and he died and I am sorry that my friend lost his friend. It sucks. And a good friend from work - really the nicest guy, and I am not saying this just because he had cancer because not just nice people get cancer- hey look at me-anyway he got bladder cancer and although he has a great attitude and is youngish and healthy, he really has to go through a lot more serious painful treatment than me. And of course there will always be Emily who I love like a daughter and who fought longer and harder than me, often having to put up with really annoying relatives- and cancer beat her before she turned 19.

Cancer sucks. My refusing to take it seriously does not change that. The disease sucks, the treatment sucks, the medications suck. Nobody knows what causes most of it- and even the easy ones, like smoking causes lung cancer- how many people chain smoke their lives away and die at age 104? I kind of think it's crap that "god works in mysterious ways" as an explanation why a mother barely clinging to sanity, loses her only child to leukemia. Or, God never gives us more than we can handle? Excuse me, God? I didn't handle this that well. Tons of wine were necessary. Oh and here is the best one, Everything happens for a reason. Well I can still convince myself that my cancer happenend so I could finally get big boobs- BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THE REASON THE SWEETEST AND COOLEST 18 YEAR OLD GETS TAKEN FROM EVERYONE WHO LOVES HER?????????????? And kids die of cancer all the time.

So listen, God, smarten the fuck up. Yes, after losing people I love to cancer, I still believe in god- I just think he can be an asshole at times. Bad people should die. Good people should not. And since I am negotiating the deal, I should stay alive too, good or bad.

So what have we learned from this lesson? Absolutely nothing. Cancer follows no rules, doesn't think, oh this one has a great life ahead of her, I'll let her live. Cancer sucks a lot. Even more than the Yankees. So if you have a chance to fight it, do it. Do one of those dumb walks I make fun of. Get yourself into the national bone marrow registry ( could have saved Emily) volunteer for the cancer society or a hospice.

Breast cancer is supported enough. Pink fucking ribbons everywhere. But you know what needs support? Childhood cancer. If I had died (which there was never much of a chance of it anyway) I had lived a good life. Raised the two best kids ever, have wonderful friends and a pretty good family. Except Ryan. And a job I love. But Emily died without getting to go to college, fall in love, go to Egypt or Jamaica or even that fuckin weezer concert which is why I have a thing for weezer even though they have clearly sold out. Well, at least we'll always have Paris, Emily. I love you.

Moving on................................

So today I went to the oncologist. What did he have to say? You're done. Cancer free. No more chemo, just this thing to block estrogen. Apparently most people on it do not develop facial hair or penises, so I am good.

Now what am I going to use for an excuse for craziness? Oh, right, PTSD from having had cancer. And still have to wait 6 months for my (ahem) COSMETIC SURGERY!!!!! I am rather happy. I am kind of loving my life right now. So if I can beat cancer ( and yes, it was all me, nothing to do with medicine or anything) I can probably do anything.

This calls for a party. Luckily I am house-sitting my friend's very nice home. It is set up for cooking. I think I will try my hand at a dinner party. If I blow up the kitchen, we are right by legacy place which has many nice restaurants.

So far in my facebook poll of what hair color to do next, purple is winning. I have wierd friends.

selling out

well, when I signed up to have commercials on my blog, thinking that could be my next carreer, although really i do need to make more than four cents a month, anyway, they said they would put in ads that would go along with blog content. So how come I have a bunch of anorexia and bulemia ads? Granted, eating disorders are more interesting than cancer, but what next? oh, I know probably a bunch of ads for psychiatric clinics because i keep talking about how crazy i am, or detoxes as iperhaps have mentioned the occasional glass of wine I consume. Actually, some red wine company should smarten up and sponsor my blog, like belvidere vodka does for Chelsea lately. That would be a win-win situation. Oh and if you happen to be an executive in a wine company- and people in Northern California do read my blog, as well as people in india although not sure they produce a good vintage yet, anyway, i would like to make more than four cents a month. My lawyers can negotiate my contract when they get back from Italy, speaking of good wine.

As i was saying........

So if you want to use the cancer card to get out of a speeding ticket, you must immediately tell the Nazi state trooper that you have cancer and could die at any moment- before giving him license and registration. Otherwise, He just writes the ticket and it is too late. I even asked him if I had told you I had cancer before you wrote the ticket, would it have changed anything. He kind of stammered and all (must have been right out of Police Academy and not the funny one) but I knew he would not have given me a ticket had he known. So now I must fight it in court, which i will win regardless of cancer because there were no signs saying it was an HOV lane, nor were there any speed limit 35 signs. Driving in Boston sucks. I have just successfully negotiated my way around Manhattan, where they honk at you all the time, but Boston is totally different every time i go there. I am a native of this city and yet I ended up with $250.00 worth of tickets for somehow ending up in an HOV lane that went directly to Logan airport- and I was trying to go to the Boston harbor hotel where my friend, the one who makes me drink wine, has a law office. And why don't toll booths take credit cards? I am sure people accidentally end up at the airport all the time because of the stupid street signs and like who carries cash anymore, especially if you are not expecting to have to pay a toll just to get back to where you were supposed to be in the first place.

Well now this will be a short blog as i am quite tired from hanging around at work, eating chinese food and pretty much doing nothing.

What?

People never comment on my blog. I am sick of just reading my own writing. Back at work tonight, very low census, lots of spare time, hence my bloggage. Had a very fun weekend, saw Jo Koy, a Chelsea Lately comedian, on Friday and was forced by my friend Denise to consume a huge amount of wine yesterday. Had a few really good home-made meals thrown in and all in all a good time. Only had touse the cancer card once, when I accidentally went to the front of the line to get pictures taken with Jo Koy. Had to say, "I have cancer. I could die at any time, so I need to take the picture as soon as possible." Worked. They took 3 different pictures. I will post if I remember how.

Speaking of cancer card, here is some advice. If you have to use it to get out of a parking ticket, I will tell you next time how to do it because suddenly work is busy

Iceland? That's not near Poland, is it?

Went to my check up at radiation today. Really, my skin feels fine and I have come to the conclusion that i am not too ugly to have sex. Left boob still under construction, but I noticed that the rest of me is looking ok. Would post a picture but would probably get thrown off the internet and prosecuted for distributing "masectomy porn!" Oh, post a picture with my clothes on? What a novel idea.

So, I took a survey on what color to do my hair. Blonde won, hands down, although I am very impressed with my normally fairly conservative (when it comes to my fashion statements, anyway, not at all politically) daughter Meghan holding out for Bright Red. I will do that next month. So, never having used the "lite" hair dye that washes aout after a month, I was unfamiliar with this stuff that did not seem to burn, stink up the whole house, and have to be on your head for hours. Ten minutes, it said. Of course, i have no concept of time, but figured my newly grown, untouched by chemical (up until then) hair would probably need closer to 20. So I wash it out about 20 minutes later, which could be anywhere from three minutes to two hours, and, well, its a little lighter, but not the bright (think David Bowie way back when) blonde I wanted. It looks.....natural. Who the fuck dyes their hair for it to look natural. Well, i suppose a lot of people do but I am not one of them. But it is a little blonder, goes with my free make-up, so I will go with it for a while. This temporary hair dye- as long as the next color takes a little better, and I think it will because it is darker- is a great idea. i will have a different color hair every month. Bright red is next, right in time for fall, and Halloween- remember i work on a psych unit- that advertises in the New Yorker by the way- so anyway no purple or hot pink hair for me. At least when my boss is there. Just kidding, Joan, in the off chance that anyone was crazy enough to give you the blog address. By anyone, I mean me, but I don't think I did.

Then maybe dark brown or black for thanksgiving and Christmas, then white David Bowie blonde for the New Year. I heard a commercial about going to Iceland for new Years Eve and it seems like something I should do before I die. Speaking of which, my radiation doctor who I love, agreed with me that I am more likely to kick off from a smart-phone related accident than cancer at this point. But since there is always a chance of a piano falling on my head at any time, I am going to look into this Iceland at New Years. If anyone else is interested, especially if you are a man who I could conceivably have sex with, let me know. OK, I know most of my many international blog followers are female but at least two are men with whom I was close. I said that because I am too classy to say that at least two guys that i have slept with in the past have at least on occasion, read this blog. One I know for sure is not allowed into Iceland. Unless he has gotten a false passport. (I think he is out of jail....) Just kidding. I have wonderful taste in men now and hardly any of them are convicted felons. That i know of. Because now i can't have Cindy's son run a CORI on them anymore since the Bridget the Midget scandal.

I am not working tonight or tomorrow and am patiently waiting for someone to get my voicemail and call me back about going out. That is the thing about being my age. My friends are my age and they are wimps who go home early. And yes, Denise M, esq. and beverly A, R.N. I am talking about you! My kids go home earlier than me! I arrived in New York last Friday ready to rock and roll and Laura and roommate were asleep! Just because you have to get up for work at 5 in the morning is no excuse. A piano could fall on your head at any time, so always eat desert before the meal, and always go out and party with me when i demand it. By party, I mean have something to eat and two glasses of wine and then try to stay awake for the ride home.

It's almost seven. This means when i go out to dinner, the early bird old lady specials will be over. This is a good thing. Oh and ps, Denise, just because i called you a wimp does not mean I am not coming over tomorrow and showing you and David how to drink wine. Try to have some single men, who are not banned from Iceland, on hand.

Now what?

I know i mentioned it peripherally, but did not make a big deal out of it on my blog, I AM DONE WITH RADIATION!!!! Still there are follow up appointments and i will probably go there for a free reike treatment, but the radiation therapy is done!!! Boob area still a little sunburned but I can deal with that. Because of all the sunburns i had when i ignored them that they said going out in the sun can cause cancer. In fact, it makes cancer treatment easier to deal with so long as you don't get a sun- causing cancer, anyway. So actually, tanning helps cancer. Another myth de-bunked.

And know how they document my skin condition? Only those of you who are old-time nurses will appreciate it. Digital photos. In the old days, we would be documenting each shift on someone's skin. But my "reddened, raised, flat, whatever..." doesn't necessarily look the same as someone elses. And we had medical words, sangiunous, serro-sanguinous, I don't really remember, i went into psych. So i asked the radiation nurse if i could just take a picture of my boob with my new cell phone- it does everything else. That, mark my words, is the future of health care. Take a picture of your arm that is hanging off your body, email it to me..... instead of take a couple of tyleonl and call me in the morning. Aspirin is bad, I forget why. But of course in small doses is is now good. But I digress. Some of you might call it ramble. Or flight of ideas.

So, i get my skin checked at radiation tomorrow. I am glad because I really like the people there. They were the most pleasant part of cancer treatment so far. There are pros and cons of going to Boston to the big hospitals vs, local care. Obviously, I want the big surgeries and treatments at Mass General. Especially since Brockton hospital almost killed me. But I have always thought the local hospitals and health care places had nicer personell. Probably because i was usually one of the nurses is an out-of-Boston place. Like I love 99% of the people I work with at mclean, and probably only loved 65% of the people at childrens. And My boss at mclean, even with her little ideasynchrocies- I really think after a few glasses of wine, she would become me- will never be listed in my phone under a swear word.

So if you know anyone who needs radiation in the boston area, Shields radiation is quite good. They have offices in Quincy, mansfield (right next to the PGA tournament) and someplace up north. And My doctor has a kid at NYU so he probably needs the business. Really good combination of medical skills and just good friendly nice treating-you-like-a-human being patient care. You know, sort of like me. At least that part about a kid at NYU.

Oh and they are affiliated with mass general and harvard Medical school, although i don't hold that against them. And Val in mansfield is my favorite. We both shop at the Ann Taylor loft next door and frequently look like twins. Like me, she has short hair- hers is on purpose- and of course, we are both short and black.

So after radiation, then what? I suspect back to MGH for that oral chemo pill. I would think there should be some sort of test to see if you still have cancer or not. There must be. Otherwise, how can people say they are cancer free for 8 years? Or however many. I would really like to take a test, right now, to find out for sure if all the cancer is out of me. Everyone has decided it is, and i kind of agree, and while the trade-off is not being able to use the cancer card, except that I still do, it would be worth it.

So back to life, work, freqent visits to Brooklyn, Florida, and San Diego. Putting cancer on the back burner where it belongs. But I will still keep up this blog and share my cancer-induced wisdom. or Insanity.

I just lost something.......

Well, i know have 2 blogging skills. i added a picture, and i posted a blog i wrote last week. However I just wrote some long thing and totally lost it. My main concern was that I had learned that my smarter than me phone gets tv shows on it. The latest generation will not just have to deal with old ladies driving 40 mph in the fast lane, but rather old ladies swerving all over the road as they try to follow their soaps on their phones.

So anyway I have decided to never use my my phone, not even answer calls, when driving. Because i really don't want to go through all of this cancer stuff just to end it by accidentally driving off a cliff while trying to get Law and Order SUV on the phone.

But the posted picture is one of the views from laura's apartment. i am down with this whole Brooklyn living. Easier to get to, on street parking, fewer anorexics and bulemics. Brooklyn is the new mnhattan, Williamsburg (where Laura lives) is nicknamed WillieB and is the New Greenwich Village, and green is the new pink. Oh and i am the new princess Di (before she Died, get it.) (not to be insensitive.) (Or more so than usual.)

developing yet another skill

Well we will see if I can develop a new skill. I am at laura's in Brooklyn, not quite ready tp pass put, having slept the better part of the last 24 hours before heading up here. She has no internet access, or it doesn't work for me, so Here I go, trying to write something for my blog and then post it later. Since it is after midnight, it is 9-11, although that is not why I am in New York. Moving in was not much fun, so this weekend we will try to have fun. First of all, I made it here without GPS- yes that piece of technology I had never visualized a year agao, and which I hate, and which I really only know how to put funny/unintelligible accents on- yeah, good job, made it to brooklyn the old fashioned way. Sheer luck, and taking a left at the Hassidic Jew.

As usual when driving to new York, I again question the use of Connecticut. I am against it. If they have to put in a state to drive through on the way from Boston to New York, some place like New mexico or Alaska would be more fun. Or they could just stretch out Rhode Island, which I think they are secretly doing anyway. Come on, Rhode Island? Smallest state in the country? There are malls bigger than it? When was the last time you drove through it, it takes forever. Conspiracy theory, or fact? Plus, look at the names of the last few exits in that state. They seem to be taking themselves Awfully seriously for a state that was just started as a joke. They, in fact, sound a little bit like......Connecticut!!!!! Remember you heard it here first.

Ok now I will try sleep. Don't want to invest too much in literature that I may be too stupid to transfer on to the blog.

Bar card- not for bars, though

So now I am work after conning my friend Theresa into working a double for me last night. New York was exhausting, mainly because of the fifth floor walk up, and also because unfortunately the landlord was a total asshole. Didn't let them move in til the third then gave them the wrong keys so we couldn't get in. Then she had the gall to be mad at me when I called her at 1 a.m. to have her drive over and let us in. She did not, but had another tenant go down the fire escape and let us in. Instead of using the cancer card, I used the lawyer card instead. Now Laura and her roommate are considering law school. Wow, should have used the cancerous lawyer card. She would probably be getting free rent or something.

Her apartment is very cute, the area is quite nice. However, her roommates mother is crazy and does not want her living in Brooklyn (a 10 minute subway ride to NYU.) Of course, crazy mom has already paid the her daughter's rent for the year in advance. SO who knows? As are all of Laura's school friends, her roommate is very very sweet and also very rich, so maybe she will get a studio in Manhattan as well as keeping the apartment in Brooklyn. I felt bad that I could not do as much moving stuff, but lets face it, I would not exactly have been sprinting up five flights of stairs before cancer, anyway. I may go back next week and help buy furniture. Can't really do used stuff in NY because of bedbugs, plus who is going to lug a couch up to the fifth floor anyway?

So nice to have something to write about besides cancer. Only two more days of radiation after the long weekend!!!!

No sleep til Brooklyn?

Very tired. Helped laura move into her fifth floor walk up apartment. Actually it is quite cute once you get up the stairs and has a great view of Manhattan in a very student-y area. And nice neighbors who were very polite about my crashing onto their cars with the humungous van I was trying to park. A barely five foot girl and her radiation-ridden mother (The cancer card only comes out for things like lugging beds up five flights of stairs!) moving in at midnight when the keys don't work. Long story involvong irate phone calls, fire escapes and boys willing to help out in the middle of the night and it all worked out. More stories about clueless landlords and crazy grandmothers to come, after i make sure exactly who, if any, of Laura's acquaintances read this blog.