Birthdays

I heard from two separate friends the other day, who both knew exactly what was going on in my life- or at least knew some stuff- and i hadn't talked to them for a long time and I realized it was because they had read my blog. So I think that is good for someone like me because I always think that I have talked to somebody and told them something and I haven't, or I don't say something because I think I have probably said it before and I don't want to be one of those people repeat themselves. Well I am sure I do, having such a big mouth. I just assume everyone knows everything about me. And now they do because I have a blog.

Yesterday was Emily's birthday. She would have been, I think, 23. 23? Wow. Emily is my niece who had leukemia. She is who I think about when people say that people with cancer are brave. She went through so much, pretty much living at Childrens hospital for months at a time, uprooted from San Diego to Boston for her last year of high school, going into remission and then having the cancer return. And she didn't whine or complain. I can remember trying to convince her to use the cancer card for something she wanted-come to think of it, it was probably something I wanted her to want, anyway she wouldn't. She is probably laughing at me- in a good way, I hope, ranting like a maniac about how this pain in the ass but highly cureable breast cancer sucks. Not only do I have a much better kind of cancer than she had- yes, I know that there are good cancers and bad ones- but i also got it after a lot longer life than she had. I got to have kids and go to college multiple times and try out a few different careers and fall in love and fall out of love and fall into what I thought was love but really was just lust- or maybe it was the drugs- whatever, and see Meghan get married in Hawaii and Laura go to school in New York, and move different places. So it's not fair. Obviously, cancer is not fair. As I have said before and will undoubtably say again (because i forgot that I already said it,) if it were fair, only republicans would get it.

And I am mad that I do not have Emily here in person to share my cancer sucks stories with. Really. Even though it has been over four years since she died, I will sometimes think for a minute, oh, I should ask Emily where to get my hair done when it grows back after chemo and then of course remember that I cannot ask her that. Although I do not doubt that she is with me in ways that I will always know.

So happy belated birthday, Emily. You know I am always late.