APP-RICOTS?

Tonight, hanging around with my daughter, Laura, we decided that having faced a crisis like getting diagnosed with cancer, my attitude sort of changed for the better. Like I don't worry about stupid stuff any more. Apparently at some point in my life i worried about money and my job(s) and what people would think of me. Not so much anymore. Although, frankly, I wouldn't have minded if i learned this new view of life from one of those self-help books and didn't really have to get cancer, but as those irritating people say, it is what it is.

So yeah, now i know what is important in life. And fortunately i was able to indulge in one of those important activities tonight- something i haven't done enough of lately- Drunk Shopping. Well, that is what I used to call it when I was younger and wilder, now it is really more like have two glasses of wine and then shop. Just pick a nice shopping area with a good restaurant and voila! Laura and I headed out to South SHore Plaza which now has a fancy addition for rich people which we did not go to, as this was drunk shopping, not drunk shoplifting. Since there is now one thing on the menu that Laura eats there, she agreed to go to Legal Seafoods, which I really like even though it is a chain and even though there is something politically incorrect about it that Denise told me about, but i conveniently forgot. It wasn't violating child labor laws, I know that. So we had a very nice dinner, I had some nice wine- not robust, though. I draw the line there- and got some good hairdressing tips from the spikey haired waiter who was very charming and then set out to buy stuff.

Luckily there was not a car dealers at this particular mall, but there was a cell phone store. A real one. I realized a while ago that the most committed relationship in my life right now is with Sprint. Every time I turn around, i am locked into another two year contract with them. I have been with Sprint significantly longer than I was married. Well, think about it, if youu got charged a $300.00 termination fee every time you broke up with a guy, you'd think twice, right? So anyway, I have had cell phone envy for a long time, but I was just against the constant upgrading of these electronic toys as a matter of principle. Principles that evaporated after a few glasses of wine that is.

When I upgraded to my last cell phone, it was a big deal to have a phone that took pictures. Also, that phone was pink and now, sorry to say this but i am really getting sick of pink, the official color of breast cancer. So I walked into that phone store and said upgrade me to the best phone you have. (under $100.00, after rebate) OK, the clerk said, what will you be using this phone for? Puzzled, i said, oh, to call people. But I needed more. I really wanted to be able to have a full keyboard swo that when I texted, every word would be properly spelled out, kind of like when I type in this blog. And then she asked, did i want to download apps? At this Laura looked at me skeptically so I immediately knew that she questioned my app-downloading ability and decided to prove her wrong. "Oh yes," I said. I plan to download a ton of apps. Great, she said, and recommended a phone that kind of looks like an i-phone, but not really. But it is black. And I can go online, download music, use it as a sort of GPS, my most hated modern convenience, and of course download apps.

Instantly, all my contacts and pictures were magically moved on to the new phone. I had a lot of names in there. Oddly, i have no idea who half of them are. Like under Jack, i have, Jack, Jack-other one, Jackie, Jacky, Jackie mom, Jackie work, and Jackie tattoo. And i still have my old bosses old number listed under that very vulgar C word. Not cancer, the other one. And my ex-husband's work number listed under Dr. Evil. Well, at least I know who they are. So I guess I had that phone for a number of years during which I managed to become casually aquainted with a large number of Jackies. And Daves! Dave dave, Dave boat and Dave car, to mention only a few. I am going on about this because mainly the only thing I can do with the phone is look at my contact list. The girl explained things to me, but even at my best I have the attention span of a dog on crack. And Laura graciously excused herself to go try on clothes at H and M so that I would still be buzzed when it came time to pay for them.

I am eager to start downloading apps, but unfortunately I don't know what the fuck they are. APPS. Must stand for something. Apples? Applications? Apprentices? Well laura has promised to explain all to me tomorrow. In the meantime, i will try to figure out how to turn on the ringer. it is permanently muted. But this phone will just have normal ring tones. Guess the rock and roll lyric rings are a kind of last year, or maybe decade. I am way too cool for them anymore. Although it was always good for a laugh at work when suddenly "Psycho killer, qu'est-ce c'est" would blast out of the nurses station of the psych unit. (a special ringer only for crazy people who called me.)

Soon I shall be so high tech that I will not be able to stand myself. Or not. All my friends my age have these fancy phones but they can never figure out how to do anything with them. But I am motivated. I have a long term goal now. I am going to download the shit out of a bunch of apps, and I am going to like it. people will be saying, Oh you want to download apps? Ask barbara about it. She is the expert on all that stuff. World famous blogger and now app downloader. Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Not that I consider myself a dog. My new hair is quite chic and complimented frequently by psych patients and gay men.