the boob

Since I know for sure that at least 2 people read my blog, I feel a duty to my readers to warn them that the following post may include some medical information that is at worst gross and at best boring. I try to avoid all medical facts, and as a matter of fact (no pun intended) any facts at all in this very serious blog about cancer. But it is necessary for the background.

First I had surgery and 2 new reconstructed boobs, like a stripper, because there was a 99.9% chance that they got all the cancer. Although I know for sure that I would never win a good lottery with 1000 to one odds, sure enough, I did win the bad one and discovered that they did not get al the cancer and that I needed chemo while one boob was healing from surgery. Frequently when that happens, the boob can become infected and the implant has to be removed and that did happen to me so I now temporarily in the boob department look like a sideways P. Flat on one side and a perfect C cup on the other. The upside to this is that when I am done with all the chemo and radiation, I get to have my boob replaced with fat from my stomach. I have been advised to eat donuts daily to maintain this fat. (All right, i advised myself, but I am a medical professional.) Maybe I will be like that person who gets plastic surgery all the time and will have my own following in people magazine. Or not. More likely the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry.

So in the meantime before my boob surgery, I get to have a fake boob. Well, the medical name is a prosthetic boob. It is a pink boob-shaped thing of the consistency of a jelly-fish and fits into special bras with pockets, or if you are clever like me, you can pretty much stick it into any bra or bathing suit. And yes, my insurance pays for it. So, you look like a normal big- breasted woman to anyone who does not see you naked. Luckily for me 85% of the male population of my state and a small percentage of guys worldwide have already seen me naked, when I had both boobs, so i can put most of them off for a while.

The thing about the boob is that it is relatively small in the scheme of things. And since it gets transferred from bra to bra fairly often, it is sometimes misplaced. OK, people lose their glasses andkeys all the time at my age and I cannot stress enough the fact that chemo makes you even spacier. So I bet I am not the only person in the world who misplaces her boob. It is not such a big deal in terms of having to have it to stuff in the bra. being clever and creative, I have discovered many items that can be stuffed in a bra to look like a boob. You don't want to know. The embarassing thing is when you have people over to dinner and the boob shows up on the kitchen table or the bathroom vanity or something.

So here is a really good idea for you potential inventors out there. I don't even want a commission. Someone should invent some sort of small alarm that you could set off in order to find your lost boob. It should be discrete, because could you imagine setting it off when the boob is on you and suddenly you start chiming like a church bell clock? But maybe a little hum, or a quietly flashing dim light to announce the presence of the lost boob when a certain button is pushed.

So, think about it. Right now, I have to go try to find my boob which I think is in the living room somewhere. Hopefully I will locate it before the realtor shows the house tomorrow. ("Does this prosthetic breast come with the house?) Well if I remember property law, no it does not unless is is somehow attached to the house which I pray it is not.