cancer causes you to be funny.....

Not as funny without cancer? Shouldn't that be the other way around? I am very glad to not have cancer any more but notice that i am starting to worry about all the things i worried about before cancer- money, the future- you know, stupid shit like that. I would like the cancer mindset back without the cancer. Live for today. Maybe I will make an exception only for the dreaded dentist, who is now my friend as i can see something good coming out of that experience. To date, i have done nothing I planned to do after getting cancer-free. No non profit organization for less glamorous cancers than the one i had, no becoming wise and grounded, doing yoga on mountaintops. Mostly I sleep, go to work and eat cookies. I hiked once but then it rained. Mayybe I am just in an adjustment period. Yeah, that's it! i had such good denial skills that going from being healthy to having cancer was no big deal. So now that i have to adjust to not having cancer I decide to have a crisis of sorts. Now I am just a normal person. I cannot refuse to take out the trash because "My oncologist specifically forbids me to take out trash," or cook or clean out my car or work overtime, etc. Come to think of it, adjusting to being normal is a lot more traumatic for me than adjusting to something else, life-threatening disease or not. And of course, i have to be careful to not go back to any cancer-causing habits that might have gotten me sick in the first place. I had narrowed it down to a few things i had done that probably caused cancer- exercising, wearing pink, and not ingesting enough chocolate and wine. Well, i guess the worst post-cancerous thing- and really how bad can it be, since it is not worrying about whether or not i have some life threatening disease anymore, but i suppose it gets back to what is really important in my life, which is how i look. I am sorry to say that I have bad hair. It is long enough that it no longer looks growing in from the bald chemo look- which, as I reflect on pictures of me from that time, was really not a good look at all! People must have lied to me to make me feel better but i did not look good bald. I thought that looking like i had a big head was a bad thing, until i saw pictures of me with a tiny head, and believe me the tiny head was worse. So now my head is no longer tiny, but it looks like i have intentionally cut it extremely short and the color changes on a daily basis because i used those semi-permanent hair dyes. And I am afraid what color it will turn the next time. Oh, fuck it, i still have the purple dye from haloween. I ruined two wigs trying to spray them brown to look like Sarah Palin. Clearly I am just undergoing a short adjustment period and I will be funny again. In the meantime, i am grateful to be cancer-free, grateful that the democrats pretty much won in Massachusetts and that the yankees did not win the World Series and in fact I kind of like the team that did. Not necessarily in that order.